It was actually much easier...

This post should have been done on TUESDAY, April 7, but I was a little overwhelmed then.

Yup, another Tuesday. I made the move, finally, after about two years of self-torture. Of course, the result could be predicted a long time (like two years, LOL) ago. I did follow the "protocol": playing cool first and bursting into tears afterward with my lovely friend (THANKS, CF! You ARE my life-saver.) sitting next to me. After the *routine* (which took less than 30min), everything took a sharp turn: I was SO relieved that I felt hyper and bubbly for the rest of the night. Actually I could not help beaming all the time the day after (which is yesterday) as well. I tried to explain to another close friend why I was like that yesterday: It is like you have been working very hard all the time for an very very important test and now the test is over; the whole preparation stressed you out way before the test and you simply wanna to get it DONE. In my case, it is not like the issue was bothering me 24/7, but part of my personal life did HOPELESSLY revolve around it for the past two years so that I started to hate myself for losing the control (which I have complained a lot in the blog).

Because I am who I am, I have had a lot of self-reflection since Tuesday. Although it is a miserable story to tell and I was definitely pathetic for most of the time, I definitely benefited from the whole experience in some way. Meanwhile, I am really proud of myself for making the move and finally taking control of my life again (which could have been done sooner).

Anyway, it is DONE, OVER, and OUT OF MY WAY now and I am RELIEVED and HAPPY.

Oh, I almost forgot. This blog will be for ME now. :)

"Christmas is all around me. Come on and let it snow."

"The Trouble With Love Is" by Kelly Clarkson

I don't get it.

It is totally understandable that someone who has had a very close relationship, either a good friend or a partner, will definitely get underneath your skin no matter how the relation ship ends up. However, what I don't get is that how come a nodding acquaintance, or shall I say a *dancing*-nodding acquaintance also possesses such great power?

Be fair to Mr. Collins, please.

Quoted from "Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austin:

“You judge very properly,” said Mr. Bennet, “and it is happy for
you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment,
or are the result of previous study?”
“They arise chiefly from what is passing at the time, and though I
sometimes amuse myself with suggesting and arranging such little elegant
compliments as may be adapted to ordinary occasions, I always
wish to give them as unstudied an air as possible.”

I know, I know. You probably sneered at Mr. Collins as I did when you were reading these conversations b/w him and Mr. Bennet. In addition, he was also laughed at by Mr. Bennet and Elizabeth Bennet in the book. However, after my *little* communication tragedy last Saturday night, all of a sudden, it occurred to me that I should have learnt something from Mr. Collins; aka there was some positive points in his words.

First of all, we all agree that communication is important, whether it is for the benefit of one party, like in Mr. Collins's case, or for *mutual benefit* as we always claim. Second, some people are gifted in their communication skills while others are not so lucky. Last but not least, if you are among those not-so-lucky ones, there is at least one thing you can do: practice/preparation.

As my friend CF has pointed out, I really need some practice, especially in the situation I put myself in. And of course, I didn't or didn't have the chance. As a result, I missed a great opportunity to make some impression/give some hints last Saturday night. Frustrated. ;) Okay , it's not the end of the world.

Finally, for the remembrance of the little communication *misconduct*:

"I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz

Multi-tasking?

Something that I am never good at...

A placeholder?!

MH told me that that person was like a placeholder for me. I don't think that I agree. I would have more control over it if that person were just a placeholder.

It is okay and frustrating at the same time to really know what is going on. Whatever...

Scared...

I just realized that I am now everything but not what I used to be, in almost every aspect of life.

And I am scared...

How long do I have left?

Last night, a very pleasant one ended with sad news: again, someone was diagnosed with brain tumor. Although no details were available at this moment, if it is a malignant one, we all know what it means. As for other type of tumor, there may be some "miracles", but malignant brain tumor means hopelessness, suffering, and death.

After all the time, energy, and money spent on cancer research, we have better diagnosis techniques, but still don't have any "major" breakthrough in cancer treatment. "That sucks", I grumbled to myself on my way home, "Cancer almost equals 'you are doomed'. Unless it is diagnosed at a very early stage, the doctors are really to calculate in their heads how long the patient has left. They are good at doing that, very accurate."

All of a sudden, my sad and ironical thought took a sharp turn. "How long do I have left?" As a clinically healthy person, I have no idea. Will it change my life if I know exactly how long I have left? Absolutely. I think that I would work out a great plan for the days that I have left and make sure that I really follow the plan. In that case, when my last day came, I would lie down and rest in real peace. Of course, living a life that way is not very practical for a healthy person. However, I do think it a good idea to make a list (the "MY list") about things you want to do as if you didn't have much time left. We set all kinds of goals for ourselves and make plans accordingly to achieve them. Sometimes we are too focusing on this or that goal so that we forget about what we would write down on the "MY list".

"No, I don't think that was a dellusion."

If you did see it, it was NOT there.

Something good may happen, occasionally.

My life sucked recently. However, something (as fabulous as an "unexpected visitor", I mean it in a very POSITIVE way) good happens, occasionally to make your life, er, suck less.

Mission accomplished.

Whatever...

Wallflower

from Merriam Webster Dictionary online

Main Entry:
wall·flow·er
Pronunciation:
\ˈwȯl-ˌflau̇(-ə)r\
Function:
noun
Date:
1578

1 a: any of several Old World perennial herbs (genus Cheiranthus) of the mustard family; especially : a hardy erect herb (C. cheiri) widely cultivated for its showy fragrant flowers
b: any of a related genus (Erysimum) of herbs with showy flowers

2 a: a person who from shyness or unpopularity remains on the sidelines of a social activity (as a dance)
b: a shy or reserved person

Did?! Did not?!

The past Friday night, I didn't screw up my part too much. At least it seemed to be so. That is not because I was very good (I was getting better), but because I was never given the chance to screw it up. LOL~~~

Of course, still a pumpkin, but definitely a happier one.

Friday resolution (as a pumpkin)

I am afraid that I will still be a pumpkin this coming Friday night. It is okay. If I will remain a pumpkin for a while, I want to be a cute and happy pumpkin.

Blogging therapy

After writing the last post, I felt really relieved. I have been wondering if that is because I wrote my feeling down in an honest way. I don't like to reveal too much emotion, especially those negative ones. If I have some negative feelings, I will dwell on them for a while and try to forget them. As a result of such personality, I have never kept any diary in my life so far. (Well, of course, I will be whining from time to time about small stuffs. That's simply because I simply don't whine about the real issues.)

I always try to pretend that I can handle all the negative feelings. I guess that I have tried so hard to "brain-wash" myself that I almost believe that it is true. However, from time to time, when the feeling is triggered again, I will laugh at my ridiculous "yes-I-can-handle-it-myself confidence". Then, I will feel that I need to do "something" that will help. But what? Now, I think that I have found at least one of the things that I can do: write it down in the blog, honestly.

What a coincidence!

In my previous blog post (yeah, the day when I finally got something intelligent to say), I wrote down my thoughts after a long day of work, "Something that starts with a stupid reason will very, very likely end up in a miserable way". At that time, it was merely the feeling towards a bad day due to my own mistake.

Now I am reading my previous posts. Ironically, it occurs to me that this sounds like a prediction of the destiny of this blog and the whole story behind it. And I dare to say that the prediction is very likely to be correct.

I forgot to mention that "the deadline" is no longer the end of this year (see here). I probably got one more semester, but not quite sure. So what? Perseverance is great only when you know or kind of know where you are heading and how far you are from the destination. Yeah, you may say, "If Winter's Here, Can Spring Be Far Behind?" Oh well, yes, winter is here, literally. However, it is only December now and spring won't come until March. LOL~~~~~~~

From a smaller pumpkin (still a pumpkin though)

I just read this from someone's website. "A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant."

I am not sure where it is originally from, but it is a good one. It is particular good for people like me who tend to complicate the situation in a stupid yet funny way.

Oh and it is the Magic Tuesday again. I think that I was not as awkward as I had been last week, aka still a pumpkin, but definitely a smaller one. The pumpkin was turning around and around and around and around all night. Luckily the pumpkin didn't throw up. Otherwise, everyone would have noticed the existence of a pumpkin among them, because a pumpkin would have thrown up pumpkin seeds...

Tuesday night magic

Okay. The real magic tonight didn't start until after 9:00pm. However, I was not quite into it today or the magic didn't really work well today (maybe because we had a break last Tuesday), so I was still a pumpkin all night. Damn! $#%^&!!! Hopefully others didn't pay attention to the big, awkward pumpkin among them.

baby-booming

It seems that all my friends are daddy/mommy/future daddy/mommy. Well, it is not surprising given our age. However, hanging out with new, proud parents is somewhat weird to me, especially when they are your good friends and when I am not sure if I wanna be like them, aka becoming a parent, in the future.

A friend of mine, HW, told me that she just got pregnant. I congratulated her. Yes, I DID mean it. It is a great thing for both her and her husband because they want to have kids one day and it seems to be the right timing now. However, my feeling is more complicated. HW, one of the coolest person I know on the earth, is going to be HW, the mom. Er... Oh well. Since both HW and BW, her husband, are really cool, I believe that they won't be so much like the other new, proud parents. In addition, having one more member in their house doesn't mean that they will abandon their cats, right? (They have 3 cats in the house right now.) So I guess that I don't have much to complain.

Okay. It is almost time to stop the babbling and have some fun. Tuesday evening is special for me, like magic.

Once again, CONGRATULATIONS, HW AND BW!!!! Although you guys are going to be mom and dad very soon, I am sure that you two will still be the coolest couple/parents in the world.

No common tags, please.

How do you identify yourself to others? Or how you identify people surrouding you? You use all kinds of tags. John: tall, with European accent, work for an accounting firm, a smart-ass, ... Jane: hot, blond, party girl, actually pretty brainy, ... I bet that you have used these sorts of tags all the time. I call these tags "common tags". Normally, I don't think that you are likely to use tags that says, "John is the one that has idea X and Y on issue Z and I agree with him on point X but not Y on issue Z though I am surprised that he was able to come up with point X and Y". No, I bet it is very unlikely, at least for me. I don't use it to identify myself to others or identify others for my own sake.

In my daily life, I don't use such tags simply because I am a lazy person and may be not very smart either. I am unwilling and may be unable to deal with such complicated tags. I can only handle "common tag" as complicated as "she likes cats". However, here, in this cyberspace, I would rather share my toothbrush than identify myself with the "common tags" to others, which means that I will share with you my other tags, "my opinion on issue A is B and C". Please feel free to use them as my identity. Meanwhile, I will try my best to hide my "dark secrets", aka those "common tags".

At the end of the babbling, I realize one important thing. I may refer some of my friends to this blog. It is a very risky move. I have two things to say to you guys. First of all, when you leave a comment, pay attention to what you are writing as your comments may give away my "common tags". Second, outside this cyberspace, I will accept comments no more than "Your blog is really good" (It's great to see young people appreciating the common courtesies.) , "Reading your blog is fun" (Thanks!), or "Your blog sucks" (Thanks though I am not always a big fan of the truth). Remember, in the real world, I can't handle uncommon tags attached to my blog either.