Multi-tasking?

Something that I am never good at...

"Oh, I know that person, you know..."

"Kinda..."
"Sorta..."
"In some way..."
"Though we never really talked..." (Last straw~~~ *Shut up*)

A placeholder?!

MH told me that that person was like a placeholder for me. I don't think that I agree. I would have more control over it if that person were just a placeholder.

It is okay and frustrating at the same time to really know what is going on. Whatever...

Scared...

I just realized that I am now everything but not what I used to be, in almost every aspect of life.

And I am scared...

How long do I have left?

Last night, a very pleasant one ended with sad news: again, someone was diagnosed with brain tumor. Although no details were available at this moment, if it is a malignant one, we all know what it means. As for other type of tumor, there may be some "miracles", but malignant brain tumor means hopelessness, suffering, and death.

After all the time, energy, and money spent on cancer research, we have better diagnosis techniques, but still don't have any "major" breakthrough in cancer treatment. "That sucks", I grumbled to myself on my way home, "Cancer almost equals 'you are doomed'. Unless it is diagnosed at a very early stage, the doctors are really to calculate in their heads how long the patient has left. They are good at doing that, very accurate."

All of a sudden, my sad and ironical thought took a sharp turn. "How long do I have left?" As a clinically healthy person, I have no idea. Will it change my life if I know exactly how long I have left? Absolutely. I think that I would work out a great plan for the days that I have left and make sure that I really follow the plan. In that case, when my last day came, I would lie down and rest in real peace. Of course, living a life that way is not very practical for a healthy person. However, I do think it a good idea to make a list (the "MY list") about things you want to do as if you didn't have much time left. We set all kinds of goals for ourselves and make plans accordingly to achieve them. Sometimes we are too focusing on this or that goal so that we forget about what we would write down on the "MY list".

"No, I don't think that was a dellusion."

If you did see it, it was NOT there.

Sad news and other thoughts

I have been to this dance facility many times since last December. Most of the time, my attention was occupied by the movements of my own and of others on the dance floor. I barely talked to our DJ except for a quick "Hi"/nod/smile for greeting when he walked from his computer to get something to drink. My first and only time talking to him was last Friday.

Me: Excuse me. What is the name of the song that you are playing now?
DJ: It is called "Someone must feel like ..."
Me: Sorry, what was it?
DJ: Let me write it down for you. (He grabbed a pen and a piece of paper at hand and wrote down Someone must feel like a fool tonight", "Back Home Again", and "Kenny Rogers" for me. )
Me: Thanks. I really love this song. I'll try to find it.
DJ: You know what? These old songs are hard to find. I actually got the CD on ebay. If you can't find it, let me know next time and I'll make a copy for you. (;) *wink*)
Me: Wow, thanks a lot. I really appreciate it.

That was less than two minutes. Then I walked away and enjoyed my whole night of dance. (Actually we stayed a little late than we were supposed to, so the DJ had to *ask* us to leave.)

It is Friday today. As I still remember our conversation very well , I got an email around noon, saying that the dance place would be closed for the weekend because the DJ had passed away the night before due to a heart attack.

I was shocked, sitting in front of my computer, speechless. Although we only talked once, I have met him almost every other Friday for almost four months when I went out to dance. To me, we will always show up on Friday nights; we will always enjoy ourselves on the dance floor while he will be there, ALWAYS, playing one song, and then another, and then another, and then another... for us.

I am sure that you have had the same experience. Those *strangers* whom you meet on a regular basis or even everyday. They may be someone always standing next to you at the bus stop in the morning, someone always escorting kids at the same intersection on your way to work, or someone working at the CVS closest to your house ... It did hit me HARDER with the thought of how much uncertainty we will be handling in our life when I heard a sudden death of these *strangers* than a sudden death of a much more closely related person whom I had only met or talked to once in a while. I believe that's because that I am so used to having them as part (no matter how trivial that part is) of my daily life and thus I would take it for granted that they would be there, *always*.

Let the dead rest in peace and let us remind ourselves of, not just whine about, the uncertainty about our life so that we will understand better how to live our life so as to leave less regret.

Finally, I will post the song again, to Ed.